Until all is lost, unto the beauty of the day.

Okay... so.

Got back from Kyoto last week with my mom. I would go into details about the trip, but I simply don't have the energy. If you want to see pictures, you can go here. The entire time she was in Gyeongju though, was, well... incredible. I wish she could have stayed longer. Really.

I wasn't stressed out when my mom was here, and I don't think I'm necessarily stressed out now, but my body is suddenly unfamiliar to me. Every few days if not less I feel nauseous and weak. I was eating extremely well in Japan, a hearty breakfast and everything, but now I am back to my old eating habits, and don't seem to ever feel hungry. And if I am hungry, I can never finish my meal. I don't know.

Let's break the last two weeks into pros and cons:

Cons

1. I got dismissed from my job... fired would be the proper verb. This happened because of my spinal/back/leg problems. I took my three days of contractual sick leave all within a week and a half of each other, and my boss approached me and said that she wanted to change teachers because I can't guarantee her that I won't need more time off in the future. And she's right, but I didn't break my contract. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. There is no guarantee that my replacement teacher wouldn't take four days of work, or that he'd even be a good teacher. I am concerned for my students, and am so, so sad that I have to leave them.

As I've said before, Koreans don't do well with sick leave. Parents complain. They are paying good money for a native English teacher, and when I'm not there, my boss has to cover my classes. The entire situation is extremely complicated, and I am getting opinions from everyone, and I don't know. It's just difficult. I've been in contact with the Korean Labor Ward and have e-mailed a lawyer who specializes in foreign teacher rights. The thing is though, is that I'm not completely opposed to going home. I would say realistically, even with the nerve root injection (which cost me a cool $200), I am only at about 35-40% of my physical capability. Obviously room for improvement.

However, she expects me to pay for my own flight home. She broke my contract based on a hypothetical. I am going to fight this (the flight home she wants me to pay), find out what my rights are, and possibly take another job within the next week, week and a half. She made a business decision, and it looks as though I might need to as well.

2. I think this is causing my body to act up. I can't seem to get a grip on my quality of life. Every day I am dealing with some other aspect of this mess. I really, really like my boss. I don't believe that she is doing anything maliciously. I don't want to believe she is capable of that. But the more people I talk to, specifically one friend who has run her own hagwon for seven years and is married to a Korean, the more I feel like an idiot. Everything from the apparently obscene taxes that are being taken out of my paycheck, to the fact that she found a replacement so quickly, to continually pushing for back surgery when I've said I don't want it, etc. The whole situation is taking an incessant toll on my body and on my life.

Pros

1. Jeff is home. Let me repeat. JEFF IS HOME! A lot has happened since he has been gone for the last seven weeks, and chatting with him has put me in a strange sort of peace. A little more complete.

2. Him and Megan are coming to Gyeongju one week from tomorrow. Holy rice balls. I just want to hug them for hours. I'm going to cry, I know it.

3. I am planning a massive road trip when I come home. Visiting my friends who are scattered around the States. Nothing sounds more appealing to me than driving (which I've greatly missed for the last 5 months) across the country with my iPod, good company, and incredible scenery. From Michigan to Montana, to Oregon, to California, to Arizona, to Louisiana, then rounding up in Florida. This is all assuming, of course, that I don't accompany Amit on her trip out west in September. It just depends. If I am coming home in early September like at this moment I am supposed to be, I will go with Amit, which would be all kinds of beautiful. If I come home in late September, I will go on my own road trip with anyone who wants to accompany me for a leg of it. It will be epic either way, and I would rather go with someone whether it be Amit or whoever than go by myself. I am currently taking applications.

4. I have a boyfriend. Haha! He's going to read this and give me a slightly harder time than usual. It's complicated, as it always is with him and I, but it's really, really good. If everything works out, we will hopefully be teaching abroad together once I get my back sorted. But yeah. Big smiles. :)

So more pros than cons, which is good. Looking over this post I have more things to look forward to than the one thing that is bringing me down. And whatever happens, I know I am not done traveling. I will only be home for as long as absolutely necessary, and then I'm off again.

Staying global, kids.

I tried to change, but I changed my mind.

"The earth laughs in flowers". -E.E. Cummings
(aka me; my toesies)

Cute, eh? I love.

The past couple weeks or so have been a tumultuous whirlwind of emotions. People almost leaving, then not leaving, perspectives changing, reconnecting with friends back home, moving forwards rather than backwards. It's nice in an "I'm going to be much wiser for this in the long run" kind of way. Things change so quickly. I have grown attached to several people here, and have had to deal with one friend going home, and another going as far as to book a ticket home, only to find out he was able to stay. A thousand sighs of relief.

I've also managed to spend upwards of a thousand dollars on back doctors, MRIs, medications, x-rays, and medical opinions to find out that I have a herniated/portruding disc in my spine causing me a world of discomfort. That little disc is a little shit. The Koreans suggest back surgery, while the Americans suggest otherwise. It's difficult because I'm obviously here, and getting relief for my pain can only be attained through the Korean medical system. It's been determined, however, that I'm going to get an epidural injection this Monday morning (yikes) which will supposedly relieve the pain. I am so looking forward to living, moving, dancing, walking, hiking, and working out like a 23 year old should be able to. My hopes are officially up.

I also realized earlier this week that this is the first summer I've worked a real full time job. Usually by this time I would be going to concerts, taking summer classes, tanning on East Campus, working part time and loving Kalamazoo. Which I must admit I do miss greatly. I haven't been enrolled in classes in nearly a year now (not counting my internship) and the longer I'm away from school, the more I am finding myself missing academia. I want to get my Masters. Not any time soon, but I'd say realistically within the next 3-5 years. Get some traveling done, see more of the world, then settle at a University where I can immerse myself in lecture notes, libraries, and vehement discussions.

In other news, my mom is coming to visit me in t-minus... shit... how long is it now? 14 days. Two weeks from today. We are going to have a well deserved, much needed vacation in either Kyoto, Japan (which looks unbelievable) or Boracay in the Philippines. The biggest difference is that one is an ancient capital, while the other is a tropical island. My first thought was to go to the Philippines, and I have friends going there for their vacation as well, but the more I think about it, the more I find myself leaning towards Kyoto. Kayley and I are planning our winter vacation in Thailand anyway, so I can always get the sun/sand factor in then. New Years in Phuket? Yes please.

This is the first weekend in four consecutive weekends I haven't been traveling and it feels fantastic. Now that I've been mildly pampered (re: toesies) I think I'm going to lay down.

ALSO: I almost forgot. Megan and Jeff are coming to visit me. Together. Jeff doesn't know Megan booked the same flight as him (or that she's coming at all for that matter) and he is going to flip his shit when he finds out. Legendary!

[insert extreme smiley emoticon here]

How can you sleep at a time like this?

So, I've been looking at options for my next move after Korea. Here are the options I've come across and are considering:

1. Renewing my contract with English World. This means staying in Korea a second year. Although I love my kids and my coworkers and my boss, and am saving real money for the first time in ages, I don't think I can teach ABCs for a second year. I do not believe that this job is intellectually stimulating enough for me, and I believe that I am worth more, and that I'd like to put my training to better use.

2. Teaching English in Australia or New Zealand. Preferably Australia. A friend of mine here is doing this in December. The perks of teaching in either country are phenomenal. In Australia, a lot of jobs are for casual or relief teachers, and the contracts go by 3 month intervals. So hypothetically, I could teach English in an Australian high school for 3 months, and if I love it, continue to teach there for 6 months, 9 months, or 1 year.

3. Teach ESL in Prague. I don't know what is drawing me to the Czech Republic, but it's there and I don't know why and I can't really deny it. Maybe that it was founded in the 8th century. Or maybe that it has the Prague castle and that secretly I want to feel like I'm living in a modern day kingdom where I can meet a man (prince) who drives a black Mustang. We can drink champagne on his stone terrace and chat about political matters that I will pretend to understand. Always an option.

This week, these are my top choices. Although the order would be Australia, Prague, then Korea. I could also teach in South America. I've narrowed the countries to Peru, Chile, or Venezuela. Or I could teach the Aborigines in Australia. Or I could teach in Thailand, Greece, Botswana, or the Cayman Islands. The more countries I research, the more overwhelmed I become. The only thing I can say conclusively and without any hesitation, is that having a degree in education, or at least a teaching certificate, is something that can literally take you around the world. I don't believe I could have picked a better career to pursue. The international demand for English teachers is high and it is everywhere.

My dad's new favorite line is "Rosie, these are problems, but they're good problems". As in, you have all of these options, the world at your fingertips, so you should enjoy the "next move" process. At least that's my interpretation. So with that in mind, I will take the night off from thinking about my next move, and leave you with pictures from yesterday/last night in Busan-- my new favorite city in Korea.

Jewelry overload

Looks like Daegu


At a charity event/reggae concert. Di, Nina, and I.

Annyeoung!

A Cognitive Jog

Another Sunday night, another weekend concluded. A million thoughts are floating around in my head; some nostalgic, some hopeful, some too difficult to explain with any detail or intricacy. I have a lot of questions.

I was watching Larry King today on CNN and there was a panel of people discussing the importance of positive thinking, which would lead to positive thoughts, which would then inevitably lead to good karma. You get back the positive energy you exude, and when someone else is making the decision to be cruel or unkind to you, that is their karma, not yours. It is your decision to then either allow their negativity to be mirrored within yourself or to ignore it, learn from it, and grow as an individual.

The panel also touched on the importance of letting go of the past. Because if we are continually living in aforementioned moments of our lives that have affected us negatively, we will never be able to make progress. That being said, it was discussed that it is also important to make mistakes, because as you all know, without the bad, there would be no satisfaction.

Forgiveness is key, because you never know the initial spark that was ignited in someone to make them do something hurtful. When I say hurtful, I mean in any way. Maliciously, unintentionally, subtly, outwardly, etcetera. Without forgiveness, you cannot let go of pain. But it's all cyclical, isn't it? If you are like me, then you might have the tendency to hold onto pain, because "misery loves company". This does not mean I am miserable, but I, like anyone, have moments where I need to vent my frustrations to people close to me. But by venting my frustrations that means I am seeking not only advice, but attention. Yes, I would like you to sympathize with me because I am only one person, and feeling bad for myself doesn't make me feel any better. But if YOU can at least pretend to understand, or even better, if you can relate to me, then I am no longer alone in my seemingly lonely thoughts and emotions. Therefore, holding onto pain (although I realize is not the healthiest thing to do) connects back to the person that I am now, at this moment, sitting in my chair typing into the (relatively) unknown. Talking to no one and everyone at the same time.

Guilty people seek punishment. Forgiveness is key. You get what you give. You should learn to let go of your past and forgive yourself rather than waiting for others to forgive you first. I suppose it wouldn't be until that happened would you be able to begin any kind of path to self-acceptance and discovery.


There are roses like these lining the streets of Gyeongju. Sometimes I pick one and put it in my hair. I wonder how hard it is to grow them...? There are so many rose bushes sprinkled around the city that I don't think the bushes themselves would miss any of their rose sisters which I've plucked and have used for vain purposes. Right? Hmm. I am having a really hard time ending this post cleverly.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Last Tuesday on my first day off (thanks, Children's Day!) a few of us went to a beach in a nearby town called Gampo. Technically it was a celebratory event for Beau and Simon's birthday, although it really ended up being a bunch of foreigners drinking wine by the East Sea.

Although the beach wasn't the most beautiful I've been to, the ride to and from was stunning. I told myself I would go back there this weekend because I didn't bring my camera last week and I was kicking myself for not having it at an opportune time for photo taking. So that's been my day thus far. I got up, ate a sandwich, packed my bag, and began my mini solo journey to Gampo.

En Route:

After the gorgeous commute, I bought some Sun Chips and a bottle of water and sat on the curb in what I would consider to be downtown Gampo. Although by no means a progressive town, I highly enjoyed sitting in the sun (what UP 82 degrees!) observing the women in traditional Korean clothing, purchasing fish in the market across the street. Blissfully content. I was contemplating what to do next. Should I go and find a restaurant? No, I thought, because I can't speak the language and I don't want to put any more attention on myself than I already am (old-fashioned Korean town + tall female foreigner + blue tanktop = BIG NEWS). Should I go and try and find a spot to write in my journal? Yes! Brilliant idea, Laura. That was half of the reason I came to Gampo, to write-- the other half being me, in a bus, with my iPod, staring at the full, green mountains.

Before I got a chance to find the perfect seaside spot, however, a white minivan pulled over with a short Korean man smiling at me through the window. The conversation went as follows:

Man: Hi!
Me: Hi!
Man: You... uhhh.. what you do here?
Me: I'm... ummm.. taking pictures?
Man: Okay okay okay okay. Uhh.. but.. mmm.. what you DO here?
Me: I'm an English teacher.
Man: Een-gleesh teech-ah!? AHHHH okay okay okay! Where from?
Me: America.
Man: Ah, okay okay okay. But, uh... where from?
Me: Um... USA?
Man: Gampo?
Me: No no, Gyeongju.
Man: AHHHH okay! Een-gleesh teech-ah GYEONGJU!
Me: Naaaaiiiii. (aka, yes, you got it, it's clicked).

At this point, he gets out of the minivan to come talk to me.

Man: You eat?
showing him my bag of Sun Chips
Me: Yes, I eat.
Man: Ahh no no no, you like eat?
Me: Yes, I like to eat.
Man: Okay! You come wid me and my friend! We go eat!
Me: Me no eat, no hungry.
Man: You NO HUNGRY!? You only eat DEES? (pointing to my chips)
Me: Yep. Me no hungry. Thanks anyways though!
Man: Ahh, okay okay okay. So.. mmm.. we go eat!
Me: Ah, okay. We go eat.

Mind you, this is not something I would ever do back at home. But you should all know that South Korea is literally one of the safest countries in the world. They have serious crime laws. For example, an indisputable 1 year jail sentence if you steal someone's iPod. With this in mind, I got in the minivan.

So The Man, His Friend and I drove to this park by the sea, where they were cooking sam gip sol on a beach mat with a few of their friends. I was kindly greeted and fed more than anyone else there (in Korea, it would be considered highly rude to not try and fatten up your guest with as much food as he/she can stomach). It was hilarious. Not to mention delicious. Sam gip sol is pork rib barbequed on a stove, which once it's cooked, you wrap in lettuce, add some sauce, and eat one piece at a time. It is quickly becoming one of my favorite meals here. I had a couple of drinks with them, attempted to teach them some English, was sang to in Korean, and was then given a ride from The Friend back to the bus terminal so I could come back home, and once again indulge my senses in the grandiose scenery .

The Man

Husband and wife. This guy kept calling me Bingo and giving me high fives.

Sam Gip Sol

Needless to say I had a blast. Everything about today was novel, and I finally got some time to be alone with my thoughts and my music-- wasn't really feeling like I needed much else.

It is now 6:40 PM, and I have an appointment with Nina at 7:00, the Thai masseuse who my friend Steve met while in Phuket. She noticed that my balance is off and was kind enough to offer me free massages until she returns home in a month or so. Although I am obviously about to go, I am nervous because she had said to me, "It will be very painful, because your pain is so deep. China, Japan, Korea massage all same. Thai massage different. Why? Because we heal." I trust her, but I am not looking forward to hurting. I will keep you posted.

Update: 9:27 p.m.
I am now back at my apartment after some serious work being done on my back. I don't feel much better yet, but I believe in the morning I will notice a difference. My Korean friend Duk is taking me to the doctor tomorrow to get my back x-rayed, in hopes that they will tell me exactly what is wrong and how I can fix it. I need to dedicate myself to a doctor, because if this imbalance keeps up, I will eventually be walking with my waist up being completely horizontal. I am sure of it. I am too young to have these kinds of problems and it is a complete nuisannce to feel decrepid when I am only 23. [insert expletives here]. Ugh.

One last thing.

Mom:

This Is What You Shall Do

“This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun, and animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, have patience and indulgence towards people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown, or to any man or number of men; go freely with the powerful uneducated persons, and with the young, and mothers, of families: read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life: re-examine all you have been told at school or church, or in any books, and dismiss whatever insults your soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its' words but in the silent lines of its' lips and face and between the lashes, and in every motion and joint of your body.”

-Walt Whitman

Well you can't stop nothin' if you got no control.

I realized after talking to a friend last night that I didn't have my favorite Jack Johnson CD, In Between Dreams. The moment I got home from the bar I downloaded it, and as I was walking to work today (and back) with my iPod on I was reminded of how much I love that album. Listening to those songs (specifically Breakdown, Better Together, and Never Knowin') took me back to a place I haven't been in years, yet at the same time gave me this fresh perspective that I have been needing to hear. The juxtaposition of both old and new emotions felt particularly powerful as I walked past friendly Koreans (annyoung haseo!) and waved to the school kids playing in the park, all the while with my own little life soundtrack supporting my every move in my ears. Music, man. There is so much that it invokes in a person. For me it has always been an affinity for lyrical prowess mixed with a catchy melody and a beautiful voice (hence my favorite, Jason Mraz). Or anything with a good beat, a dystopian theme (Deltron), a song that will make you nod your head (311), instrumental jam-dance-groove (Lotus), the utmost simplicity of a guy and a guitar (Avett Brothers), or anything my family and I get down on (Jeff Lynn, XTC, Fountains of Wayne, John Mayer, Death Cab For Cutie). Hmm. Nostalgia is creeping in.

* * *
School today was a blast. I love Fridays. I was sitting on the floor in a circle with my E1-B class (1st graders, I believe) and observing them play Uno. I really am going to bring my camera next Friday because you have to see these kids. They are so damn cute. Since a lot of what I teach them is learned through repetition, they have a tendency to copy what I say. Today I had a class of 10 of the cutest Korean kids repeating "oh my god" over and over again. I couldn't get enough of it. They are like trained animals, and I mean that in the best way possible. I was saying "oh my god" with every type of voice inflection I could think of. Valley girl style (oh my gahd!), irritated style (Oh. My. GOD), freaking out style (ohmygodohmygodohmygod!), et al. I will have all of these uploaded on video by next Friday; I figured out how to upload them by the way, and it only took a change on one of the camcorder settings. Psh.

With my older classes I played Apples to Apples for Kids, which is quickly becoming another favorite of mine. If you haven't played the game, it's really simple. Everyone gets a certain amount of red cards (I do 4 for my students), and I choose one green card. On the one green card it might say "small", or "clean", or "colorful", or "fuzzy", or "spooky"... a plethora of adjectives. On the red cards that the students have it would say anything ranging from Ronald McDonald, My Teacher, Bears, Clowns, In the Basement, Sharks, etcetera. They have to pick 1 of 4 red cards that they think matches the adjective the best. Can you imagine the hilarity of playing this game with Korean students who are just scratching the surface of the English language? I had a green card and it said "dirty". The red cards I receieved were My Grandpa, Sunshine, Spaghetti, and Sand. Another good one was "fancy" and I got Hot Chocolate, My Mom, Ice Cream, and Fireworks. My favorite today however was "pretty", to which I received My Teacher, Rainbows, Fishing, and Mountains. A difficult decision, but I always choose My Teacher when they relate to a positive adjective. It makes the brown noser feel good and it makes me think that they actually might have an idea of what the adjective means. It's a win win situation.

* * *
On a different note, I am going to Daegu tomorrow with a bunch of foreigners for the soccer game on Sunday. The Gyeongju team, which I am now officially apart of, is playing Daegu United. They are a team of US military guys and originally, the field was going to be the one on the Airforce base, but now it is somewhere else in Daegu which I've heard is good because anyone can go. When it was supposed to be held at the base, anyone who was playing or who wanted to attend had to give their full name and nationality to someone in advance, as well as bring their passport and a second ID to get escorted onto the field. It's more lax now which I anticipate will bring more people out. Maybe. I really don't know what to expect from Daegu. I've been told there are a lot of Western restaurants, as well as a Western crowd which makes sense seeing as it is an American Airforce base. I will let you know though.

I am late for someone's birthday dinner. I do not know who this someone is, but everyone is going out for drinks and apparently a karaoke bar (aka norebang, prounced nore-ree-bong). Should a novel night.

Til next time.

Dear Buddhist Monks,

Where are you? People tell me you wander the streets of Gyeongju, but I have yet to see you. Are you phantom monks? I think I heard you chanting outside my school yesterday, although I think this would be strange because it sounded like it was coming from a megaphone of some sort. I guess I just assume you would be more traditional than to preach Buddhism via a modern amplifier. Perhaps this is stereotypical of me.

Do you give advice to those who seek it? Because I would love to meet one of you and ask you some questions, assuming of course that you speak my language. But I would learn Korean in a heartbeat if I knew that the questions I had for you would be answered. Such as:

Are you an egg, a carrot, or a coffee bean? I know this is a strange question, but roll with me here. Assume you were to boil three pots of water. In one pot you put an egg, in another a carrot, and in the third ground coffee beans. After letting the water boil for 20 minutes, you take out the egg and put it in a bowl, you take out the carrot and put it in the bowl, and you ladle a cup of coffee from the coffee beans and put it in a bowl. What do you see?

An egg, a carrot, and a cup of coffee, right?

But if you were to feel the carrot, you would notice that although it went into the water hard, unrelenting, and strong, it was now seemingly weaker and softer than it had been prior to being boiled.

The egg, prior to being boiled, had been fragile and could have broken at any moment, spilling it's liquid interior. But now, if you were to hold it in your hand after it was done boiling, you would notice that underneath the thin, outer protective shell, the liquid had hardened.

But what about the ground coffee beans? They had changed the water entirely.

You see Buddhist monks, each of these things faced the same adversity which was boiling water. But each reacted differently. So which are you?

Are you the egg which has a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Do you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break up, a financial hardship or any other type of trial, do you become hardened and stiff?

Are you the carrot who seems strong, but when faced with trials and tribulations you become soft?

Or are you the coffee bean? The one that actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

So I ask you again, my dear Buddhist monks whom I will probably never actually have a conversation with: are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

Love,
Laura

P.S.
I think I am definitely the egg. But I am striving towards the coffee bean. What are you?

P.P.S.
I have none of these things in my refrigerator and I am craving a caramel macchiato.